Snogging, Dating & Everything in Between

I think it's safe to say that our generation is more or less scared of the term and whole idea of "dating". You tell someone that you're dating and they freak out and come up with a zillion excuses and reasons why you're not. Most people don't want to define what it is that they're doing. I think it's partially because people are afraid of admitting their intentions out of a fear of not getting what they want - but, mostly because people don't quite understand what it is to date. It's much easier to not have any responsibility when dating if you don't define your intentions in the beginning. This is where a lot of things seem to get blurry and confusing. There are three things that you should be aware of when entering the dating world. They are: dating, sleeping together, and a relationship. There's a difference between all three. Dating is not the same as sleeping with someone, or even being in a relationship with them. You date to figure out if you want to sleep with the person and maybe even potentially be in a monogamous relationship with. While you're just dating however, monogamy is not something that should be expected. You can also sleep with someone before you go on dates with them, but it's a little bit harder to get into a relationship with that person if that's the route you decide on. You ever hear the phrase "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"? Hell, you could end up in a relationship and not go on dates or sleep together. Anything's possible. I've noticed that there's a lot of confusion when it comes to dating. So let's define what constitutes a date, the differences between dating, sleeping together, being in a relationship, and the importance of intentions and transparency. We'll begin with the definition of a date. We'll get to the differences between dating, sleeping together, and a relationship a little later. 

How do I know if it was a date?:

You can figure out if it was a date if the next five rules apply. 

  1. It's one on one (double dates SOMETIMES count, but don't hold onto them).

  2. You have at least 5 lines of conversation that isn't sexually based.
  3. You go somewhere (chilling, that's not a date).
  4. You're asked.
  5. The person who asked, pays (unless otherwise agreed upon)

In short, a date is a planned activity/outing between 2 individuals. Dating: is a repetition of dates, within a certain time frame.  

So, if those are the rules of what constitutes a date. Let's now discuss if you're dating, or if you're just sleeping together. It's important that you know the difference because you could end up confused and sort of heartbroken. 

There's a fine line between dating and sleeping together. I'd like to say that it's a pretty obvious line, but somehow, someway, people constantly blur and lose sight of said line. We'll break this down as simple as possible. Starting with the difference between casual dating and casual sex. If you are casually seeing someone, chances are you're not their only boyfriend/girlfriend. My stepdad used to always tell me I was too young to have one boyfriend, and honestly I didn't fully understand the sentiment until a couple of years ago. If you're casually sleeping with someone, chances are you're not the only person they're sleeping with. 

 

Casual Dating vs. Casual Sex

Casual Dating:

  1. You see each other outside of sexual encounters, for planned activities.
  2. There's a regular line of communication.
  3. You talk about other subjects, that don't solely revolve around sex.
  4. Your close friends know you're dating, and that you like the person.
  5. You see a potential future relationship with the person

Casual Sex:

  1. You ONLY see each other for sex.
  2. The regular line of communication is based on sex.
  3. You don't go anywhere, outside of the place you plan to have sex.
  4. Your friends either don't know anything about the person, or know the person is just a nut.
  5. There is no, or a very slim, possibility of a future relationship.

Here's where it gets tricky for some people:

Like I mentioned before, these aren't rules for just one person. You can date and sleep with as many people as you want. It's important to remember that just because you are dating or sleeping with someone, doesn't mean that you are only person they're seeing. I'm a firm believer in keeping your options open and evaluating who fits you best. After all, how else are you supposed to know that the person is "the one" if you haven't tested a few others out? 

Exclusivity is a conversation that has to take place after sometime. It's something that you have to define. If you don't have the conversation, there is an inevitable gray area that can lead to someone getting hurt, unnecessarily. It's my opinion that you define the exclusiveness of your relationship, sooner than later. Especially if you're having sex. You cannot just assume that you are the only person they're sleeping with or dating because they're the only person you're seeing. You have to ask about exclusivity if you want to be monogamous. Do not just assume that you're in a monogamous relationship with your partner. 

 

Relationships vs. Dating

Relationship:

  1. You are exclusively with that person, in a monogamous relationship.
  2. There is a clear and definitive day that you can refer to for the start time of the relationship.
  3. Your close friends are aware of your relationship status
  4. You know that they are the person you want to give your time to.
  5. You understand that you are responsible for your actions and how they will affect your partner. 

Dating:

  1. You are not exclusively seeing one person, and may or may not have multiple partners
  2. There is no anniversary date for you to celebrate the marking of your relationship
  3. Your close friends know that you're still single
  4. You are still undecided on if this is the person you want to give your time to.
  5. There is little to no responsibility for the other persons feelings. 

The Tricky Part:

If you are asking someone to exclusively date you, you are asking them to be in a relationship. Dating and relationships are not the same so please don't conflate the two. You are not in a relationship just because you are dating. The same way you have to be asked on a date, you have to be asked to be in a relationship. There is no assumption that can be made about your relationship status if you're dating. I think sometimes people hold onto titles too much and fear using it. The idea of having one boyfriend or girlfriend is what we're taught to look at as the ultimate end goal. We're never taught what to call people we're dating. Or even acknowledge that we're seeing multiple people trying to navigate who fits best in your life picture. You can have as many boyfriends or girlfriends as you want while dating. I think it's misleading to call the person your friend, because I'm of the belief that friends don't engage in sexual activities together. That friends with benefits thing is a cop out and a punk ass way to say I'm dating this person. Understand that these are just general guidelines you can apply while dating. They will not be the end all be all for all of your relationships. For example, you can be in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand (or care) about being responsible for your feelings. Relationships are a lot of work, and a lot of responsibility, however that doesn't mean that everyone is responsible in their relationships. Dating is all about learning who you are, and what kind of person you think best fits your life picture. There are gonna be hiccups, and obstacles along the way. Do your best to learn from all of your relationships. Don't think of them as a waste of time. Evaluate the reasons why you dated the person and why you gave them so much time. Take back your power and have the skills and tools to protect yourself in your future relationships. Don't be afraid to be truthful about your intentions with the person. Allow them to make their own decisions based on whole pictures.

Most importantly though, date yourself, and love yourself first. You will have a much easier time in the dating world if you understand and love yourself already. There's a lot of things that we deal with because we don't quite understand what it is to have a healthy relationship with ourselves, let alone with another human being. Do the work on yourself first and the rest will follow. 

Digital Dashh